Sunday, October 23, 2011

Feeling sad, but knowing better.....

I am sitting here, thinking about the past year.  Oh, the mistakes I have made!  Too many to list.  The losses I have suffered.  My Dad, of course, being the biggest one of all.  He is thought about and loved everyday in my home.  My girls and I talk about him, so I know that they will remember him always.  The loss of my friends and even some of my family.
That one stings.
I guess I have been hoping for some sort of epiphany where they are concerned.  I haven't had one.  I am so angry and really just so disappointed.  I'm starting to hope that those feelings are subsiding.  It's something I have to live with.  I don't want it to define me, but I want those people to know that you will never truly know the pain you've caused, and the sheer disappointment that goes along with it.  I do not understand, for the life of me, how you can be so cold.
Even after all this time, still nothing.  Shame on you.  I was a great friend.  I was there in your darkest hours, I held your secrets, things that no one should be asked to keep.  But I did it for you, because you were my friend.  I wanted to be there for you when your world was falling apart.  I never thought you would turn your back on me when I was losing everything in my world.  You used me for my skills when you needed something, you constantly came to me when there was something you needed.  I never said no, I found a way to help, because I was your friend.  I never questioned your intentions because friends don't do that, I just wanted to be there for you.
Now, almost 5 months have gone by and here I sit.  Still sad, and obviously angry.  I could be nasty, and tell everyone the crap behind the scenes, but I won't.  I have apologized to those I've wronged, I will not beg, I will not be that proverbial bastard at the family reunion anymore.  I can't make you see that I'm sorry for my part in what transpired, you either forgive me or not, if you don't then I will move on and let you be, I just ask that you do that same for me.  I can't take this hurt anymore.
I know better now, I see who matters, I know who cares, my circle of "people" may be smaller than it was 5 months ago, but my eyes are wide open and my heart wants to heal.  I don't wish anyone ill, I want peace and that is my wish for you, peace...

1 comment:

  1. I have been in your shoes with friends and Family. You have no idea.... we must both be a size 8 shoes, because I have walked a mile in your shoes... Rememebr a few things, God only gives us what we can handle and he must think we are much stronger than we ourselves know. Second... When one door closes look for the open window... You have been a window in my life. Lastly... EVERYTHING happens for a reason! EVERYTHING! Love you! *Erica*