Feeling sad, but knowing better.....

I am sitting here, thinking about the past year.  Oh, the mistakes I have made!  Too many to list.  The losses I have suffered.  My Dad, of course, being the biggest one of all.  He is thought about and loved everyday in my home.  My girls and I talk about him, so I know that they will remember him always.  The loss of my friends and even some of my family.

That one stings.

I guess I have been hoping for some sort of epiphany where they are concerned.  I haven't had one.  I am so angry and really just so disappointed.  I'm starting to hope that those feelings are subsiding.  It's something I have to live with.  I don't want it to define me, but I want those people to know that you will never truly know the pain you've caused, and the sheer disappointment that goes along with it.  I do not understand, for the life of me, how you can be so cold.

Even after all this time, still nothing.  Shame on you.  I was a great friend.  I was there in your darkest hours, I held your secrets, things that no one should be asked to keep.  But I did it for you, because you were my friend.  I wanted to be there for you when your world was falling apart.  I never thought you would turn your back on me when I was losing everything in my world.  You used me for my skills when you needed something, you constantly came to me when there was something you needed.  I never said no, I found a way to help, because I was your friend.  I never questioned your intentions because friends don't do that, I just wanted to be there for you.

Now, almost 5 months have gone by and here I sit.  Still sad, and obviously angry.  I could be nasty, and tell everyone the crap behind the scenes, but I won't.  I have apologized to those I've wronged, I will not beg, I will not be that proverbial bastard at the family reunion anymore.  I can't make you see that I'm sorry for my part in what transpired, you either forgive me or not, if you don't then I will move on and let you be, I just ask that you do that same for me.  I can't take this hurt anymore.

I know better now, I see who matters, I know who cares, my circle of "people" may be smaller than it was 5 months ago, but my eyes are wide open and my heart wants to heal.  I don't wish anyone ill, I want peace and that is my wish for you, peace...