Year One...

It's been one year since my world has been turned upside down.  The anniversary of my Dad's death was June 13.  One year.  Everyone told me the first year is the hardest.  You have all your "firsts" without your Dad.  The first Father's Day, the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, his birthday, your birthday then the anniversary of his passing.  Well those folks were right.  It sucked.  I missed him every minute of every single day, and still do.  I know he is at peace, doesn't make it any less sucky for me though.

I've had time to sit back and look at some stuff too.  My situation with my family.  I won't go into detail but I will say that I get it.  I have to find a way to let go.  That is so hard.  But silence speaks volumes and I will not read this book over and over and hope for a different ending.

I talked alot about some friends last year.  When my Dad died, there were a few people, friends, I knew that no matter what I could count on.  I could call, vent, cry, scream and just lean on them for support.  One was a confidant, one was almost like a sister to me.  When I needed them the most, nothing.  That was something I was totally unprepared for.  I had lost so much in such a relatively short period of time that when they turned and walked away it was just too much.  I sent a note from my heart to them.  Only one responded.  I think I've now seen that I valued them too much in my life and thought my value to them was equal.  I was wrong.  So hard to admit when you're wrong.  I do have to admit, I've have been finding that ALOT over the last year.

I'm wrong.

I'm wrong in thinking that when you say give me space that when I do, and don't call or come over that's what you mean, when in reality you want me to grovel.

I'm wrong in assuming that telling you my feelings is something that should be heard, I know you may not agree with MY feelings, but you don't have to dismiss me as if I never existed in your life.

I'm wrong in thinking that helping is good.  That saying yes when you ask means I matter, but in actuality, I'm just a quick fix to your problem.  Doing something you don't want to do or be bothered with.  I'm good enough then.

I'm wrong in thinking that my friend would never use our relationship as an alibi for their deceit and lies. 

I've said it before, the collateral damage that came about from my Dad's death is just astonishing.  He had nothing to do with it, it was just that when he died, and the layers where pulled back, relationships exposed, and my life, as I knew it,  fell apart.  I'm no innocent victim here, know that I brought some of this on myself.  I will not make excuses for the things I've said.  I've hurt people in my life and I've apologized.  I've told those people how incredibly sorry I am, and that I miss them in my life and that I love them, only to be told, they didn't say they loved me or missed me in their lives.  Message received, loud and clear. 

Those friends, I still do not understand why.  I am not perfect and never asked anyone to be perfect, but I never would have thought that you of all people would have done this to me. 

It's been a year.  It's been a sucky year.  I miss my Dad every minute of every day.  I miss my family, and my friends. 

So we begin year two......